


met a lot of people, but nobody feels like you

by zimnokurw



Series: buddie by zimnokurw, unrelated one-shots [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Available in Russian, Episode Tag, Episode: s03e15 Eddie Begins, Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, a bit of hospital, after eddie shows back alive - before eddie is in christopher's class, make buddie hapPEN YOU COWARDS, or i hope it is??, u could say missing scenes?? if u wanted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:20:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24221206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zimnokurw/pseuds/zimnokurw
Summary: "Maybe it’s the warm hand on his shoulder and the way Eddie’s thumb traces on his neck, maybe it’s the concern but also calmness in Eddie’s eyes, or maybe it’s the encouraging but not-pushing tone of Eddie’s voice. Perhaps it’s all of it, combined with Christopher sleeping happily down the hallway, and an almost-empty bowl of popcorn in the living room, and three dirty plates in the kitchen sink waiting to be washed.Most likely it’s the feeling of a family it all creates, that Buck decides to finally let himself grab the box in which he locked all possibilities for him and Eddie to be more than best friends. He lets himself open the box and shrug it off from where it was secretly weighing on his chest and crushing his lungs."(or; Buck flips while almost losing Eddie, so - worrying and love confessions.)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: buddie by zimnokurw, unrelated one-shots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759828
Comments: 23
Kudos: 369
Collections: Favourites





	met a lot of people, but nobody feels like you

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [met a lot of people, but nobody feels like you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25219630) by [missdistress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/missdistress/pseuds/missdistress)



> it was supposed to be around 2k words, but well...
> 
> no beta - all mistakes proudly belong to me, myself & i

available in russian [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/9469587)

* * *

The chair Buck is sitting at feels way too uncomfortable, so once again, he stands up to pace from one wall to another. He doesn’t like those walls either, they seem too white for his liking. The man hides his shaking hands into pockets, for lack of anything better to do with them, and he takes another step on a floor that’s way too clean and _sterile_. 

“He’s gonna be okay.” Buck almost jumps when Bobby speaks to him. Too deep in his own head and worries to notice that the Captain was eyeing him the whole time. 

“He has to be, Bobby.” the younger man answers, sitting back down, right next to Cap. He sighs and runs a hand through his too-short hair as he looks around the hallway they’re currently sitting in. 

He and Bobby are the only people left. _It’s way past visiting hours_ , said one of the nurses, not unkindly, and asked everyone to leave and come back tomorrow. When Buck didn’t move an inch, the woman agreed that he could stay. Bobby just moved closer to him, obviously worried, and Buck almost felt bad about that. _Almost_ because he was too busy feeling worried and scared about Eddie laying in a hospital bed, half-alive and half-dead. 

Hen squizzed Buck’s shoulder and left to her wife and kids. Chim gave him a pat on the back and walked away, already calling Maddie. Athena kissed Bobby and squeezed Buck’s palms, linked together, and clenched too hard. He could see his knuckles turning into the color of the wall in front of him, but that only made him bit his lower lip to keep the tears in his eyes from falling down on his cheeks. The last person to leave was Eddie’s Abuela. She kissed Buck’s forehead and softly murmured something in Spanish, before walking away, to get to her house where Pepa was watching oblivious to his father’s injuries Christopher.

“How could he be so stupid? Cutting the damn line?” asks Buck in a whisper, but furious as if he was yelling it from a rooftop. He’s not sure if he asks Bobby or himself or whatever God is out there. He’s not even sure if he wants to hear the answer. There’s still wet dirt behind his fingernails from where he tried to dig Eddie out by his hands once he realized the man was trapped underground.

“Now you know how he feels.” Bobby answers with a gentle voice.

“It’s not the same.” Buck shakes his head because he knows that Eddie cares about him and that he worries, but he worries about Buck like about his best friend, that’s it, and Eddie is so much more to Buck it used to terrify him. “God, I can’t lose him, Bobby. Christopher can’t. Did he even stop for a second to think about his son when he was deciding to stay down there?” Buck feels his cheeks wet, knowing that the tears must’ve fallen from his eyes, but not even caring about that anymore. 

“He got out, Buck.”

“What if he didn’t? What if the damage is done?” 

That’s the heaviest thought in Buck’s mind ever since Eddie suddenly collapsed and lost consciousness. Chimney explained that when the adrenaline finally faded, Eddie’s injuries caught up to him, that’s why he collapsed. Hen assured Buck that the man needs some warm blankets, rest, and dopamine drip and he should be good as new, but that didn’t make Buck worry any less. 

Cutting that line - the only thing that was supposed to pull him out from down there - was suicidal and Eddie should know better than that. It’s Buck who is reckless and impulsive and risks his life to find a cat in a burning building. Eddie is supposed to be more careful, prudent, _thoughtful_. He’s supposed to think before he acts. He’s supposed to yell some sense into Buck if needed, and then get back to his son at the end of the day.

Bobby says something, Buck knows he does. The man’s lips are moving and there’s a concern in his eyes and Buck would feel the tremor caused by a human’s voice in a dead-silent hospital hallway if not for the fact that he was shaking already. 

He can’t make out the words though, and he knows that Bobby won’t be offended so he doesn’t even try and focus to understand anything.

He’s about to get up again, to move because he feels like the chair is going to vibrate with him any second now. To take a few steps because he can’t just sit still when he remembers how motionless Eddie’s body was when he was falling to the ground just a second after he smiled at his best friend. 

He shakes his own hand as if that gesture would make some of the tension go away and he’s moving his left leg already, but he stops when he sees a nurse walk to him and Bobby. Every bad thought that went through his head before suddenly coming back, hitting twice as hard because there’s Eddie’s nurse - Elana - coming to him and she’s opening her mouth to say something and it feels even more real, so Buck tenses and braces himself for bad news.

He doesn’t really understand at first if he’s hearing her correctly or if she's really allowing him to go and sit in Eddie’s room on a condition that he won’t wake him up. He hears that Mr. Diaz is doing better, that he’s resting, and that he will probably be free to go home the next day thanks to the energy drip he got and to quick help from his team. Buck realizes that this is real when there’s Bobby’s hand on his shoulder and the woman in front of him smiles at him reassuringly and tells him that there really shouldn’t be any visitors in the hallway in the middle of the night. 

He stands up quickly, nodding his head a few times and thanking Elana. He’d be embarrassed about how much his palms are trembling when he shakes the nurse’s hand in gratitude if not for the fact that he’s happy and anxious and relieved all at once, because he heard that Eddie is alright and he’s replaying that over and over in his head.

He says goodbye to Bobby because only one person is allowed to be in Eddie’s room right now. They hug quickly and Buck walks with Elana towards the room his best friend is sleeping in right now, throwing “I’ll call you when he wakes up.” over his shoulder. He barely sees Bobby nod at him in acknowledgment and he already starts wondering how to put into words the update he promised to text Pepa as soon as he knows something new. 

He knows he’s going to say that Eddie’s _resting_ \- the word that slowly starts to annoy him, but everyone around him keeps repeating it like a gospel. Elana used words ‘most likely’ saying that Eddie will be free to go home tomorrow, so Buck isn’t sure if he should give Pepa and Abuela that kind of hope or just positively surprise them in the morning. He knows that as soon as Christopher hears about Eddie lying in a hospital bed he’ll want to visit him and he doesn’t know if it wouldn’t be better to spare the boy seeing his dad in that condition. He spent enough time in hospitals as it is, maybe it’d be better if Chris saw Eddie when the man got back home and was resting in his own bedroom. That would certainly look less serious and wouldn’t stress Christopher as much as the hospital room and IV in his father’s arm would.

Buck and Elana stop in front of the room with number 227 and the woman once again reminds him to be quiet, then informs him that the Doctor will check on Mr. Diaz in the morning and after he thanks her again, she’s walking away to the nurse’s station or other patients while Buck takes a deep breath and slowly opens the door, walking into the room.

He does it silently and he’s careful about his surroundings. He knows that Eddie is usually a light sleeper and even the smallest noise is able to wake him up, so he closes the door behind himself with precision as if he was defusing a bomb and only then he finally turns to look at Eddie. 

Before - when Eddie showed up out of nowhere and had the audacity to joke that finding his body heat signature won’t be easy because he’s cold - Buck was too focused on the fact that he’s okay, _alive_ , and right there to really question his physical appearance.

Now - looking at Eddie lying in a hospital bed and under white sheets has Buck holding his breath in response to what he sees. 

Eddie looks too small in a too-big bed and it makes Buck uncomfortable because he’s not used to his best friend looking this fragile. Buck takes two steps towards the chair standing on the right side of the bed and even though Eddie’s face has its colors back, the blonde is able to see that his body is still warming up. Eddie’s cheeks are flushed in a way you’d expect it from a child that came home after spending the whole day outside in snow except the man wasn’t playing in the snow with his son, he was buried alive and drowning underneath the dirt and mud in some stranger’s yard while everyone around Buck wanted to _wait, think and talk_ instead of acting.

Just thinking back to those moments, remembering how he felt with each passing minute causes a shiver to run down his spine, so Buck shakes his head to ground himself. He looks at the monitor with Eddie’s vitals to calm himself down and he breaths, reading the numbers. He’s not a doctor, but he’s not an idiot either and he knows how to find what interests him the most. The first thing he finds is Eddie’s ECG and when he sees that it’s normal he checks the BP and oxygen-levels.

When all the numbers seem fine, Buck finally allows himself to sit down and he pulls his phone out of his pocket. He opens the Messages and finds Pepa’s contact, his fingers hovering over the keyboard, trying to find the right words to type.

**_He’s fine, vitals are stable. They let me come into his room. He’s asleep now, but just resting, most likely will be out of here tomorrow. The Doctor is supposed to see him again in the morning so I’ll text or call you if we should bring Chris here or just wait till Eddie’s home._ **He sends the message without reading it first, sure that if he did - he’d change it and then do it again because nothing would be good enough.

 **_Is Christopher okay?_ ** He asks because he worries about this kid as if he was his own and he has to know the answer or he won’t be able to settle on this uncomfortable chair. Why do chairs in the hospital always feel so painful, hard, and irritating?

It’s not even a minute of looking at his phone screen later when Pepa texts back. She thanks Buck for the update, tells him that Christopher is sound asleep, and agrees that it would probably be better for the boy to see his father at home than in a hospital bed. She adds that she will wait to hear from Evan and thanks him again for staying with her nephew. 

Buck locks his phone again and hides it back into his pocket. He lifts his head and every now and then lets his gaze drift from Eddie’s face to his heart rate visible at the monitor.

\- -

When Buck wakes up the following morning, he’s probably more tired than he’d be if he didn’t go to sleep at all. Before even opening his eyes, he runs a hand over his face to make himself feel more alive, but then he hears a quiet chuckle. 

He opens his eyes and lifts his head, ignoring the pain in his neck he got from falling asleep on a chair.

“Hey.” says Eddie with a small smile on his lips.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to call the nurse?”

“I’m fine, chulo.” answers the man and it takes all of Buck’s strength not to yell at him that he _clearly isn’t_. At least mentally.

Instead, they talk about everything that went down after Eddie lost consciousness, about Christopher, and Hayden - the boy Eddie saved the day before. Somewhere between repeating Hen and Chim’s explanation of Eddie’s condition, Buck texts Bobby to let him know that his firefighter is awake, talking, and mostly alright. 

The Doctor comes in just a few minutes later, and she says that she can get started with Eddie’s discharge papers. 

\- -

The rest of the day goes smoothly. They both have the day off. Eddie because of obvious reasons and Buck, because Bobby thought that it would be better if he stayed with his best friend. They spend the day at Eddie’s house, with Christopher. 

Eddie is supposed to be taking it easy so they mostly just lounge around. They watch a few animated movies and play video games, sitting on the couch. Buck cooks, while Eddie is just sitting with a cup of tea and watching him, and Christopher is not far from them, drawing something. They eat and then both men help Chris with LEGOs. 

When evening comes, Eddie and Buck tuck Christopher in, telling him to have a good night and promising pancakes for breakfast the next morning. Eddie kisses his son’s head, telling him he loves him, and five seconds later Buck does the same. He smiles when Chris reaches for him to get a hug and when in a soft and sleepy voice he says _love you too, Bucky_. He’s not sure what he feels in that moment, he can’t name it because he never felt it before, but it’s so powerful and sweet and _warm_ he thinks there are flowers blooming in his bones. 

When he and Eddie leave the boy’s bedroom and he feels Eddie’s hand on his shoulder, not in the bro-way, but in a gentle way, almost like he did it unconsciously because it’s so _normal_ for them at this point- it feels so _domestic_ , so them, the _three of_ _them_. It all fits with them, it feels right when Eddie’s palm falls from his shoulder, but still lingers on the small of his back for two long seconds, before they wordlessly walk back to the kitchen.

There are flowers blooming again, in his abdomen this time. And there are butterflies sitting on the Michaelmas daisies, right on top of the purple flowers with bright yellow centers.

Except that then he remembers how Eddie looked in a hospital bed and how he could’ve died. It’s warm in the kitchen, it still smells like dinner, and Buck is wearing a soft sweater, he’s not cold. But then he thinks how Eddie would’ve died not even knowing about Buck’s feelings for him because he’s been too scared to say anything and he shivers - for a moment mistaking the warmth of home with the cold rain that was falling on him just one evening ago.

“You okay?” Buck hears Eddie’s voice and it’s sweet and soothing and full of concern, and he remembers that the man is just two steps away from him, alive and well and not buried underneath wet dirt.

“Yeah, I should be asking you that.” he smiles, looking at his best friend and seeing that he isn’t really buying the answer. He leans against the kitchen counter, shifting his weight on the leg that wasn’t crushed by a ladder truck. It’s not like it hurts, he just doesn’t want to provoke anything. 

“You seem off today, not really here at some moments.” Eddie says, ignoring his attempt at shrugging it off and walking closer to him while he talks. 

The brunet stops in front of him, laying his hand gently where Buck’s shoulder meets his neck and for a quick second it takes him back to the moment when Eddie told him how much he trusts him with Christopher. Now, the older man also looks straight in his eyes, holding his gaze intensively as if to say _I know it’s important, I’m here, so talk to me._

“Got something on my mind.” 

Buck would like to turn around, reach to the fridge for two beers and accidentally shrug Eddie’s hand off of his burning skin, but they made a deal to stick with tea today, because Eddie was in the hospital, kinda on drugs not so long ago, so he just stays there, standing still and even though he thinks the hand on his neck should make him stressed and nervous, it makes him feel relaxed and lose some of the tension he was holding a minute ago.

Eddie just nods. Not nods like he understands what is going on in Buck’s mind, but nods like he understands that Buck has a need to lock the thought inside his mind and overthink every inch of it. Eddie can read Buck like no one else, maybe aside from Maddie, but he never makes him feel like he already knows and understands everything. Never makes Buck feel like whatever he thinks isn’t valid enough to spend three days and four nights thinking about it and trying to figure it out. And even if he already knows what’s up, he always waits to hear it anyway, because it's Buck's to choose the right words and dress it into the right sentences. Even if Buck’s facial expressions tell Eddie everything he needs to know, the man gives Buck’s mind the time to catch up and he gives Buck’s mouth the right to say the conclusion out loud.

“You wanna talk about it?” 

Maybe it’s the warm hand on his shoulder and the way Eddie’s thumb traces on his neck, maybe it’s the concern but also calmness in Eddie’s eyes, or maybe it’s the encouraging but not-pushing tone of Eddie’s voice. Perhaps it’s all of it, combined with Christopher sleeping happily down the hallway, and an almost-empty bowl of popcorn in the living room, and three dirty plates in the kitchen sink waiting to be washed. 

Most likely it’s the feeling of a family it all creates, that Buck decides to finally let himself grab the box in which he locked all possibilities for him and Eddie to be more than best friends. He lets himself open the box and shrug it off from where it was secretly weighing on his chest and crushing his lungs.

“You could’ve died yesterday.” he begins, because it might be getting old at this point, seeing how many times he thought about it, but that’s one of the most important parts and it needs to be said out loud, not stored somewhere in the back of his head to come back in the form of a nightmare. It needs to be set free so he could at least try and let it go. 

“But I-“ jumps in Eddie, letting his right hand fall away from Buck and taking half a step back. Buck misses the touch instantly, but they still stay close enough that their chests could touch any moment and Buck can still feel the heat radiating from Eddie to him and back as if the rest of the space in the kitchen wasn’t important. 

“Just let me finish.” Buck can still smell that this is the Diaz home and he can smell Eddie’s laundry detergent mixing with his own so perfectly he smiles when the brunet just nods at his request.

“You could’ve died yesterday and while I was sitting on this painfully uncomfortable chair in the waiting room I couldn’t help but think- _why wasn’t I completely honest with you?_ ” Buck lets himself talk without thinking first, without checking every sentence before letting it out there in the open. 

“I trust you, I do. With my life.” he says it with every feeling he has for Eddie, because he needs the man to know and to believe him. “I should’ve talked to you ages ago because that’s what we do. We have each other’s back, we talk, we bare our souls in the open because it’s _us_ and I’m not sure why I didn’t tell you sooner now that I think about it, really.”

“I mean- I was terrified of losing you, yes.” Eddie is once again in Buck’s personal space, but he doesn’t mind, not at all. “I can’t lose you and Christopher, you both are so important to me I sometimes still catch myself stunned at the realization.” His hand hovers for a moment, before touching Buck’s forearm and staying there. “Me, Evan Buckley feeling so… so _massively_ I can’t even name it. And the important part is that it doesn’t terrify me, I didn’t freak out.” Buck raises his hands while he still talks and lets them rest on Eddie’s chest. It’s not sexual, he’s not about to rip the man’s t-shirt off of him, he just gently lets his hands rest there because they belong there. “I probably should, but I didn’t.” he feels Eddie’s chest rise and fall under his palms and he thinks they are breathing in sync.

“It feels right. It somehow fits, like a puzzle or something. When I cook and you help Chris with homework or when I pick him up from school because you’re still at work and Carla has the day off. When we sit on the couch and I don’t even know what we’re watching or if we’re watching something because just focusing on having you and Christopher right there next to me is so much better.” Buck takes a breath, looking right into Eddie’s eyes and seeing fondness there. Eddie’s not upset, not amused, not about to take three big steps back. He just is. Right here. Listening, watching, and waiting until Buck tells him that he’s done and finished, _and would you care to share your thoughts on the matter?_

“It already feels like a family of three, just an unconscious one. I love your kid like crazy, and I’m proud of every single drawing and science project he makes. And I love you- am _in_ _love_ with you. You’re my best friend first, always, but I want more if I didn’t misunderstand you and that’s something you want too.”

There it is, Evan Buckley in the open, vulnerable, with his heart on his sleeve and waiting for the punch. Ready to hear that he misread the situation, that Eddie is interested in him platonically, that he’s straight and ready to say it all with Eddie because he created over a dozen different versions of how this could go and he remembers every single line of rejection word by word.

He looks at Eddie’s face though, his hands still on the older man because the touch keeps him calm and Eddie isn’t protesting to it so far. There’s not even a shadow of possible rejection on Eddie’s face when Buck searches for it. There’s a soft smile and there’s something close to tears in his shining eyes. 

It’s literally just a matter of seconds, but for Buck it’s like forty-fifth minute passes when Eddie gently and reassuringly squeezes his forearm and lets his palm fall on Buck’s waist. 

“We are a family, querido.” begins Eddie, and Buck knows that he has to take Spanish lessons because he forgot most of the words he used to know. “We’re basically raising Christopher together at this point. I know he sees you as a father figure and it melts my heart seeing you two interact. I’m in love with you too, Evan. Not a doubt about that.” Buck’s not a fan of people using his first name, but hearing Eddie say it, hearing how easy it rolls off his tongue, like maybe he repeated it hundreds of times, as a rehearsal because it sounds _so_ _good_ right now, Buck wants to hear it again. He’s pretty sure his heart just wanted to jump in the air from joy before it remembered that it’s supposed to stay in its place, beat, and pump blood.

“You’re so kind, and caring, and loving, and I can’t imagine my life without you- _I_ _don’t want to_. I’m not really surprised it’s not scary, it’s just so natural to be us.” Eddie lays his left hand on the other side of Buck’s waist but they don’t make a move, not yet, because they’re still talking and it’s important to talk this through. They waited this long, they can wait till the end of the conversation.

“Yes, we had a few bumps in the road, but who doesn’t? I’m sure that we will fight again, but I know we’ll be able to get through any of those fights as long as we’re us. So yes, I’m in. As long as you’ll have me.” 

Buck’s not sure who leans in first - him or Eddie, maybe both of them. He knows that his right hand abandoned the left one and travels from Eddie’s chest to the nape of his neck. He feels one of Eddie’s hands tighten on his waist and their chests fight for dominance of space. 

Their lips meet, maybe not unsure but shy the first second they touch. 

But then Buck curls the fingers of his right hand in Eddie’s hair and the fingers of his left hand in the material of Eddie’s grey t-shirt with the word _ARMY_ all over his chest. He feels one of Eddie’s hands go up from his waist to explore the pulse point in Buck’s neck and somewhere in between their mouth locked and their tongues clicked and from _shy_ the kiss went to _passionate_. And of course it did, they _fit_ after all. It’s natural for them.

Eddie presses his body into Buck’s and he can feel the kitchen counter with his back while their mouth still works against each other. Eddie tastes like the combination of citrus tea, caramel popcorn, and parmesan and Buck knows that it’s because this is what they had today so it will change but for now - it’s his favorite flavor anyway. 

When they end the kiss, they do it because they need to catch a breath. And before pulling away, Buck bites Eddie’s lower lip while the older man brushes a thumb over his cheekbone.

“Christopher, you, and me.” Buck whispers, with a smile on his face.

“Done deal.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i will go down with this ship.
> 
> please leave a comment, let me know what you think x


End file.
